This blog post will explore what you can do to stop telling in a relationship and adapt more healthy ways of communicating with your partner.
We will also briefly discuss why people yell in a relationship and how it harms the relationship as well as what you can do if you are being yelled at by your partner.
How to stop yelling in a relationship?
Raising one’s voice in a relationship is often something that most people experience at some point due to various reasons- mostly out of frustration and the perception that one is not being listened to.
Here are a few things you can do to stop yelling in a relationship:
Understand that they are your partner and an equal
Have a conversation to clear out misunderstandings
Develop self awareness
Understand that they are your partner and an equal in the relationship.
This means that you will have to take time to really sit down with yourself and contemplate what your partner means to you and how this behaviour affects them. This also means that you realise that they are your equal in the relationship and this means that treating them as such is as important as showing them acts of love and kindness.
Have a sit down conversation with your partner to clear out misunderstandings.
Usually yelling in a relationship happens because of frustration. You might be frustrated due to misunderstanding or because you feel like they are not listening to you. The best thing you can do for the relationship, yourself, and your partner is to sit down and talk to them about why you feel frustrated and what you would like them to know by being honest and open about your thoughts and feelings.
Develop self awareness
Make an effort to develop awareness of your behaviours and your patterns of communication and interaction with your partner. Make note of when you tend to yell at your partner, the feelings you have and the thoughts that go along with these feelings.
Make an effort to develop self awareness so that you can cope with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours in ways that do not hurt your partner.
Practice calming techniques
Whenever you feel frustrated and feel like yelling at your partner, use various techniques like breathing in and out, taking yourself out of the conversation to count till 10 , clear your mind with a walk etc- that allows you to distract yourself from yelling.
Redirect your anger
Focus your anger on something productive that allows you to let off steam by walking, working out, running etc. Use these activities to help yourself deal with stress, frustration, and anger.
Plan what you want to say.
If you find it difficult to communicate with your partner without yelling, plan what you want to say- write it down on a paper and read it out if needed. Stick to the script and focus on the contents of the paper in the tone you want to use that will be effective.
Use assertive communication skills.
Use statements that express your emotions, such as “I feel lonely when you come late”. This allows you to communicate your emotions, take responsibility over the way you feel as well as communicate your needs to them in effective ways that allows them to understand you.
Why do people yell in a relationship?
People in relationships often yell at their partners for various reasons; Some of the common reasons include:
- The individual who is yelling might be feeling frustrated and is unable to regulate their frustration in healthy ways that allow them to communicate their frustration in ways that will garner support.
- They might be feeling unheard or their feelings disregarded as a result of which they might use their voice to seek out attention from their partner.
- They have learned this way of communicating as the only way due to their social models such as their parents and other peer relationships.
- They might be anxious in the relationship or even stressed out and because they are unable to cope with this stress they might use the fight mode of reaction to the stress and as a result yell at their partners to communicate their needs.
- They might be feeling helpless in a certain situation and this way of yelling at their partner might be their way of asking help or seeking out help for comfort and support.
- They might be unaware of communicating effectively and assertively.
- They might be someone who is very defensive which leads to lashing out and yelling within the relationship whenever they are confronted by their partner.
What to do if your partner yells at you?
If you are the partner that is getting yelled at, here are a few things you can do to intervene and develop healthier communication within the relationship.
The first thing you can do to stop this pattern in the relationship is to acknowledge that this is a behaviour that is negatively affecting the relationship.
Next, you and your partner need to verbally acknowledge that this pattern is unhealthy and needs to be broken. During this movement, effort also must be made to communicate motivation to bring change within the relationship communication patterns by both partners.
Then , each takes turns to openly and honestly acknowledge what both of you want to change and how both of you want to be that can facilitate the development of a healthier relationship. For example, if your partner is the one who yells, have them communicate and verbalise what they want to change and their desire and motivation to make this change happen.
Each of you need to identify the new behaviour that you want to adapt- for example, instead of yelling your partner might want to take a time out and walk away and come back to the conversation after they have calmed down.
Next, set limits where neither of you blame the other when the new behaviour is not adopted immediately and there are instances of mistakes.
Either of you and your partner must hold each other and themselves accountable for the changes both of you aspire to make.
If your partner continues to yell at you, make sure that you communicate to them that this will not be tolerated and you immediately remove yourself from the situation if possible.
You can also take time to consider their behaviour and how it affects you and your life to decide whether you want to continue to remain in the relationship or whether it is possible for you and your partner to learn new ways to communicate healthily.
Consider leaving your partner if the yelling progresses to more violent behaviours such as shouting, hitting, throwing things- violence and physical abuse. Seek out support from people who love and support you in such cases.
Consider counselling for couples so that you and your partner can sort out the underlying issues within the relationship that is causing the yelling.
Your partner can also take individual counselling if the cause of their anger is identified to be a personal issue or choose to work out the relationship issues with a couples therapist.
In couples counselling, you and your partner will learn to understand each other’s needs, learn healthier ways of communicating, better ways of problem solving, and also learn how to regulate frustration and anger within the relationship.
This blog post has explored what you can do to stop yelling in a relationship and adapt more healthy ways of communicating with your partner.
We have also briefly discussed why people yell in a relationship and how it harms the relationship as well as what you can do if you are being yelled at by your partner.
FAQ related to How to stop yelling in a relationship?
Is yelling in relationships normal?
Yelling in a relationship can be a part of a healthy relationship. It can be a way of communicating with one’s partner provided that what is being said is clear and it is not aggressive or passive aggressive.
Yelling in the relationship becomes a major problem when the yelling involves criticism, defensiveness, and contempt and when it is directed to attack and hurt the other individual.
It becomes a problem when there is no resolution, when feelings are not heard and understood and the relationship does not progress and needs are not understood nor met.
How do I stop yelling when angry?
Here are a few things you can do to stop yelling when angry:
- Give yourself a timeout when you catch yourself yelling or about to yell.
- Talk about emotions assertively by using I statements that allow you to take responsibility over your own emotions.
- Address bad behaviour calmly in a way that allows the other person to understand your point of view without having to be defensive.
- Use consequences to encourage positive behaviour but not punishments or threats.
- Try deep breathing and meditation to help you regulate anger and frustration.
What being yelled at does to you?
Being frequently yelled at changes the way one thinks, feels, and behaves. It can also affect the activity of the brain in many ways such as stimulating the brain and inducing the release of stress hormones like cortisol.
Being yelled at can also lead to muscle tension, headaches etc and can also psychologically affect an individual by increasing anxiety as well as affect the way one thinks about themselves and the world to be more negative.
Why am I so angry all the time?
There may be various reasons as to why you are angry but the most common triggers for anger may include:
- Feelings of perceived injustice,
- financial issues
- family or personal problems
- traumatic events
- feeling unheard or undervalued.
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Hutt. Jim. When Yelling is a Pattern. Good Therapy. 6th October 2008. Retrieved on 27th December 2021. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/yelling/
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How to stop yelling in a relationship? How I got the job. Retrieved on 27th December 2021. https://howigotjob.com/growth/how-to-stop-yelling-in-a-relationship/