How to deal with people who use others?

In this blog we will discuss what you can do to deal with people who use others. 

We will also briefly discuss why people use others and what are the signs that indicate that someone is using you.

How to deal with people who use others?

The best thing that you can do to deal with people who use others including yourself is to set up healthy and firm boundaries between you and them- this can include physical boundaries as well as emotional boundaries. 

Here are some other action steps that you can take to deal with people who use others:

  • Draw some boundaries
  • Learn to say no
  • Talk to them about it
  • Avoid them
  • Resist trying to fix things
  • Seek professional help for yourself to heal. 

Draw some boundaries

Setting boundaries is one of the best things you can do to deal with toxic people by drawing a line to protect yourself and separate them from you. 

This can include creating a physical boundary with them- by not spending all your time with them or by moving out- or by creating an emotional boundary with them where you learn to become separate in terms of how you feel from them rather than being manipulated by them to feel a certain way. 

You have to understand that setting boundaries can be difficult and you will be made to feel guilty about it but it is important that you are sten with your boundaries and be consistent with them in spite of fear of how the person will react.

Learn how to say No

You might feel like it is difficult to set boundaries but when it comes to establishing boundaries one of the first things that you can do is to say no. 

As difficult as it might seem to say no to someone who does not take no for an answer, it is possible and it starts with asking yourself what will happen to you if you say no. 

It is possible that this person will throw tantrums, start smear campaigns against you once you set firm boundaries but at the end of the day you will have to ask yourself what matters most- your mental wellbeing or the opinions of someone else about you. 

Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person nor does it make you a selfish person. Rather being able to choose what you invest yourself in and what you do not choose to do makes you a smart person who is able to distinguish the reality of your own limits and the relationship as well. 

Talk to them about it

Sometimes people do not know what they are doing to hurt other people, so what you can do in such a case is to talk to them about their behaviour. 

When you talk to them, make sure that you do not blame them but rather highlight their behaviours and let them know that you are going to remain a source of support for them with healthier boundaries in place. 

When you talk to them here are a few things to keep in mind:

  • Don’t throw accusations at them because it will fall on deaf ears. 
  • Don’t vicerate their character, instead separate behaviour from caracter and focus only on their behaviour. 
  • Ask them to pay you back for whatever they have taken for you 
  • Let them know this is how it is going to be going forwards, that there will be equal give and take. 

Encourage them to talk with a mental health professional about their issues and let them know that you are not ostracising them or abandoning them but that you are concerned for their wellbeing.

Avoid toxic people who just want to use you

Other things that you can do if they do not seem to understand what you’re implying or do not respect the boundaries that you are setting up, simply avoid them or cut them off. 

Try to spend as little time with them as possible or be clear when you cut them off entirely from yourself. 

Seek professional help

Sharing a relationship with a person who has used you can be traumatic and stressful, if you find that you need some help to deal with your feelings don’t hesitate to reach out to a counsellor or a therapist to help you develop healthy boundaries, as well as help you maintain a positive state of mental wellbeing. 

Why do people use others?

People tend to use other people because they have not learned what it means to be responsible for one’s own lives so they use other people to meet their needs.

These needs can include both material needs as well as their psychological needs of being loved, cared for, and also their needs for acompelsieet etc. 

So, someone who uses others will use other people to meet their financial needs as well as their emotional needs such as alidationg and support simply because they do not know how to do it for themselves. 

They might use others because they lack empathy and have a grandiose sense of self, often viewing other people as mere pawns who exist to serve them. They essentially lack empathy and compassion.

What are telltale signs that people are using you?

Here are a few signs that indicates that people are using you:

They only need you when they are down in the dumps

While it might appear that they trust only you  to be vulnerable with them, it becomes a little toxic when they expect you to drop everything to be with them while they never do the same for you. 

Once they are better or they feel secure in their own reality again, suddenly their calls stop and so do their eagerness to be with you or spend time with you. 

You are always the one reaching out 

When it comes to communication, even just a quick “how are you doing” text or phone call, you are always the one who is doing it and never your friend. 

When they reach out, it is always because they need something from you

If your friend tends to do this; contact you and often their check ins are followed by a request, or them asking for a favour- it is possible that you might be in a one sided relationship.

It’s Always About Them

This means that they never ask about you, and even when the meet up is to celebrate something about you- say your birthday or your promotion- somehow, it becomes about them. They make a scene, or they talk incessantly about themselves.

Conversations and time spent together should be equally shared- when friends are seen as equal and treated as such, however, if you are not given the chance to be heard, seen, and your presence acknowledged- then there is something arry.

They engage in Emotional manipulation

They usually engage in various behaviours, say various things that manipulate you emotionally which is usually done to gain something like your money and other resources or power and control over you. 

They might be dishonest, emotionally exploit you and seek to insult you or put you down in various ways as a way to control you or victimise you. They might use fear tactics to cause you to become afraid of them or use your emotions against you.

As they emotionally manipulate you they might do things like withhold affection to punish you or touch on your insecurities to make you feel insecure about yourself so that they can take control.

They gaslight you

They make you question your own experiences. They might use phrases like “You are making things up” or “you are being dramatic” for you to question your own reality when you start questioning their intentions.

They usually use these tactics when you begin to push back from their behaviours and manipulation, or when you begin to stand up for yourself. It is a way for them to assert control, making you distrust yourself. 

They do not respect boundaries

These people have no regard for the boundaries of other people and do not understand the concept of boundaries.

They will often disrespect your own boundaries be it official boundaries, emotional, mental, relationship boundaries etc- they will overlook it, trample over them and their argument will be something like “but i am your best friend.” or “You are being overly critical/ sensitive.”

They will make you feel guilty for attempting to set boundaries with them while completely disregarding any of your own needs.

They are unsupportive

Toxic people tend to be unsupportive of your goals and your vision, they are unusually unhappy when you begin to make way into your goals and dreams however they will expect you to be supportive of them unconditionally. 

They are also uninterested in what you want and the support that you need and will unusually pretend to act like they support you with toxic positivity rather than be someone who actually cares and supports you.

Conclusion

In this blog we have discussed what you can do to deal with people who use others. 

We have also briefly discussed why people use others and what are the signs that indicate that someone is using you.

How do you treat people who are using you?

It is important that you remain respectful and firm towards people who are using you and set boundaries. 

The best thing that you can do to deal with people who use others including yourself is to set up healthy and firm boundaries between you and them- this can include physical boundaries as well as emotional boundaries. 

How do you stay away from people who use you?

One thing that you can do if they do not seem to understand what you’re implying or do not respect the boundaries that you are setting up, simply avoid them or cut them off. 

Try to spend as little time with them as possible or be clear when you cut them off entirely from yourself. 

Is a toxic person toxic to everyone?

Unusually people who are toxic tend to behave in manipulative ways in all contexts this means that they are most likely to be behaving in toxic ways to other people as well. 

References

Vamos.J. 11 Signs Someone Is Using You and What to Do About It. Pairedife. Retrieved on 21st Feb 2022. https://pairedlife.com/friendship/9-Signs-Someone-is-Using-You-How-to-Tell-If-Your-Friend-is-Using-You-For-Money-Social-Status-or-Anything-Else

How To Deal With People Who Use You. The attraction game. Retried on 21st feb 2022. https://theattractiongame.com/people-who-use-you/

How To Deal With People Who Use You? Magnet Success. Retrieved on 21st Feb 2022. https://magnetofsuccess.com/how-to-deal-with-people-who-use-you/

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